One Ukrainian’s Story: “If a Rocket Blows Me Up, So Be It”

by Gabriele Rutkauskaite

It is a Wednesday in Kyiv, and Mariana is preparing to go to a bank. Earlier in the week, she went to a shopping center and got a haircut and a facial. She wants to go to Italy, before going to Bali to see her son, who has been there with his father since February.

“I’ve gotten to the point where I have to live my life, do what has to be done and if a rocket blows me up, so be it“, Mariana, who is in her early thirties, says.

“Kyiv is ok. I don’t want to leave, most of the things seem prewar. Shops are opened, and kids are playing in the mall…,” she says. Mariana sends me a photo of a view through her window. It is a sunny day, and you could not tell about the horrible things that have been happening in her country from the picture. “The only weird thing is the white checkpoint made of sandbags and the roundabout is dug up with trenches for soldiers. There are sirens going on sometimes, but I don’t see any people panicking or acting scared”, she says.

“In Bucha and Irpin, where the massacre happened, Ukrainians have cleaned up the streets, painted the pavements, planted the trees, and you can’t really see what was going on “, she continues. But the war is far from over, people are mentally tired, and life is not back to normal yet…

“We are not like let’s give up. No. that’s not an option, “she says, adding that Ukrainians get furious when Westerners start suggesting this is a way.

Leave or not to leave

Mariana lives in an apartment in Obolon, a district north of Kyiv, close to the Russian soldiers’ base in February. “Kyiv is big” and when there was a mass bombing attack in Hostomel, which is 20 km from Kyiv, people in her suburb didn’t hear anything, she says.

Mariana woke up at 5 am on the 24th of February. She was calm, but her dog was barking. Mariana heard some bangs and opened the curtain. “In the opposite building, I saw people turning lights on. I heard some noise and I run to the corridor in pajamas where I saw my neighbor packing with a one-year-old child saying we must get out. The war has started,” she remembers.

Shivering and not knowing what to do or where to go, she then checked her phone and saw five missed calls from her brother, who told her to pack an emergency suitcase. Mariana called her best friend, turned out she was already in a car driving out of Kyiv.

By 8 am Mariana was in the supermarket getting food. “It seemed like everyone was preparing,” she said. “My mum started filling a tub with water in case there is no water. I went to a pharmacy to get some medicine,” she says.

Mariana’s mum was panicking and crying, while she was constantly checking the news to understand whether they should run or stay. “Most people that I know left. I’d look through the window and the car parking lot was getting emptier and emptier", she said.

She was reluctant to leave as many people who left in the first few days ended up leaving cars on the road or stuck for 14 hours running out of gasoline. And it was cold winter. “It took my friend 24 hours to reach Prague, which is usually 12 hours drive. Another one spent 3 days in a queue on the border,” she said.

On the 20th of March, Retroville shopping Centre, which is around three kilometers away from Mariana’s home was bombed. “We then got really scared”, she says. Mariana’s mum was demanding to leave, and they together with Mariana’s boyfriend decided to run away.

Turned away for Range Rovers

When they arrived to the railway station looking for wagons to load cars and take them to Lviv, a cashier informed the three that there are spots for two more cars left. “We went to check with workers that load cars and were told that there are no spots for us. As I turned around, I noticed two big Range Rovers queuing” she says.The group decided to drive.

As Mariana's boyfriend is Russian, the group got checked at every checkpoint " Our phones and laptops were checked. But I understand. I have heard that many Russian saboteurs were sent much earlier before the war started,” she said. “One of the reasons they (Russians) got Chernobyl so quickly, was because Russians were sent a year or so ago that pretended usual civils looking for a job”, she said.

Mariana’s boyfriend works for an international company, and he applied for a work transfer. He got a job in Italy. “Unfortunately, for those that do not have cars, savings, it is hard to leave… Some got lucky and got flats but some live in church and get basic food. In the East, many fifty- or sixty-year-olds feel too old to go somewhere. They do not leave; they feel like they do not have to go, “she says.

Kyiv most desired but safest

Mariana’s mother is now back in Kyiv, while The daughter is planning to go back after winter as the heating season might be very difficult. “I don’t have exact plans as on 23rd of February I had so many things planned to do, and I had a whole life ahead,” she says.

While the situation in the Eastern part of Ukraine is still very scary, “Russian troops are far from Kyiv and the only way to reach it is with rockets. We hope there will not be bombarding. Zelensky is staying in the capital and there is some equipment to protect (the city). Kyiv is the most desired for Russians but still the safest place in Ukraine,” she says.

Around two million people of Kyiv, a city with a population of around a 3.5million people before the war, left the capital by mid-march, according to Al Jazeera. But a lot are coming back, including Mariana’s wealthy friends that can afford to live offshore. “It feels surreal. You see a person posting a picture with a drink (on social media at a night out) and the next post is about rockets killing people. It is like a Salvador Dali painting, she says.

“I thought that many people will see this as an opportunity to move abroad. Ukrainians perceived Europe at a higher level but many got caught in a bureaucratic circle,” she says.

“Why are you fighting?”

Now that Mariana is in Italy, she is sometimes asked about why Ukraine is fighting and whether wouldn’t it be better to give what Putin wants. “When you have a bully in school that asks your money for lunch. You give it once, twice, but the bully does not go away. He wants more”, she said. “Imagine there is a bully with a knife that comes to your flat, destroys everything you love, crushes all your photos, goes to your bedroom rapes your wife, beats up your kids, cuts your mum’s hands. Then your neighbor says that it is not a big deal that you’ll have another wife, your mum was too old anyway and your kids are not that smart and maybe they deserved it,” she continues.

Some people are blaming Ukraine for global fuel and energy prices increase. “But it is not because of us, it is because Russia decided to do so (attack Ukraine),” she said.

Ukraine is not invading anyone and was living peacefully: “We had some internal issues, but it is for us to decide what we want to do and which president we want. If Russia stops shooting then the war will end, if Ukraine will stop fighting there will not be Ukraine”, she said, adding that the whole nation is united and strong as it has never been before.

Countries that have never dealt with the Soviet Union view the situation differently from those that have been part of it or fought with the union. “I was asked the other day by Dutch people if the war is still going. I understand some people are ignorant. The further you are the less you care,” she said.

Some Ukrainians are upset that Poland and the Czech Republic are ending support, but “it is your problem if you couldn’t find any job. Those countries gave so much for Ukrainians to start a new life but for those that had a good life in Ukraine it is hard to go a level down,” she said.

Russia wants to continue fighting as long as they can.” I am super lucky and very grateful that nothing has happened to my family, friends, or property. The only thing is fear and income. And I am a minority”, she says. Mariana has been helping with financial donations to the army and with clothes for refugees that have moved from eastern parts of Ukraine to Kyiv.

“When I speak with other Ukrainians, the hurtful thing is that Putin has stolen their future, dreams, and plans. You cannot be sure about anything anymore,” she says.